Translation of RIM’s Response to “Open Letter” from Corpspeak to English

Per the official BlackBerry Blog:

An “Open Letter” to RIM’s senior management was published anonymously on the web today and it was attributed to an unnamed person described as a “high level employee”.

We’ve started looking for the person who publicly blasted us on the web.

It is obviously difficult to address anonymous commentary and it is particularly difficult to believe that a “high level employee” in good standing with the company would choose to anonymously publish a letter on the web rather than engage their fellow executives in a constructive manner,

Everything in the letter is accurate, and we all know it…

but regardless of whether the letter is real, fake, exaggerated or written with ulterior motivations, it is fair to say that the senior management team at RIM is nonetheless fully aware of and aggressively addressing both the company’s challenges and its opportunities.

… but we will find you, and we will fucking kill you.

RIM recently confirmed that it is nearing the end of a major business and technology transition.

We have no idea what we’re doing.

Although this transition has taken longer than anticipated, there is much excitement and optimism within the company about the new products that are lined up for the coming months.

Excitement and optimism are a mandatory requirement for each and every employee. Check your contracts.

There is a fundamental business reality however that following an extended period of hyper growth (during which RIM nearly quadrupled in size over the past 5 years alone), it has become necessary for the company to streamline its operations in order to allow it to grow its business profitably while pursuing newer strategic opportunities.

Having no plan for the future means we’re laying people off. See Janet in HR for your pink slip and a complimentary Playbook.

Again, RIM’s management team takes these challenges seriously and is actively addressing the situation.

We’re adding two more CEOs.

The company is thankfully in a solid business and financial position to tackle the opportunities ahead with a solid balance sheet (nearly $3 billion in cash and no debt), strong profitability (RIM’s net income last quarter was $695 million) and substantial international growth (international revenue in Q1 grew 67% over the same quarter last year).

CEOs aren’t cheap. And don’t get your hopes up here - those laid-off, still fucking fired.

In fact, while growth has slowed in the US,

We hate you for turning your backs on us.

RIM still shipped 13.2 million BlackBerry smartphones last quarter (which is about 100 smartphones per minute, 24 hours per day) and RIM is more committed than ever to serving its loyal customers and partners around the world.

Look, someone’s still buying these fucking things so we’re just going to keep churning them out. No plan, remember?