A Measured Treatise on the Value Proposition of the PlayBook

The tech press is being way to kind on RIM’s PlayBook. Go Google for some reviews if you must, but stick around if you want it straight. 

Now there’s no way to write this without comparing a bit to the iPad, as let’s be honest, there’s no tablet market without it. None. If you think otherwise well, I’ve got a car that is powered solely on misguided hopes and dreams to sell you.

The PlayBook is offered in 16, 32 and 64 GB configurations just like the iPad-

And that’s where the comparison can stop. You put these two devices side-by-side and it’s a fucking bloodbath.

For your $499 minimum, same price as the iPad, here’s what you get:

- A broken power button. [You can probably stop reading right here.]

- No email, calendar, contacts, or notes application. [Unless you already have a compatible BlackBerry phone. Seriously. Standalone versions of these apps are coming “this Summer.” Who the fuck thought this was a smart idea?]

- No BBM. [Unless you already have a compatible BlackBerry phone, again. The one feature that makes the 10 people I know actually keep their BlackBerrys, and they don’t build it in. Another genius move.]

- A buggy, half-baked OS. 

- 75% of the iPad’s battery life.

- No app ecosystem whatsoever, nor a focused development environment to expect genuinely good apps to bear.

- A shitty web browser.

- A shitty keyboard that…

Let me stop there because it just keeps going. Seriously, outside of having a decent physical build, there are two groups of people that I can see buying this over an iPad, or even an Android tablet:

• People that are gluttons for punishment.

• People that fucking hate themselves.

What good is the smaller 7” size that you could ostensibly put in a very very large pocket and a PowerPoint app that lets you view notes while the presentation plays, if there’s absolutely nothing else good?

Sorry, that’s unfair, the reviewers have pointed out a few positives:

- The screen is good.

- The calculator is pretty.

- The cameras are solid. [However I’m obliged to note that if you’re in public and using a tablet to capture photos or videos, you’re probably an asshole.]

- The only version of Flash to ever ship on a mobile device and manage not to suck.

I’d say RIM should pat themselves on the fucking back for these absolutely stunning achievements, but they’re too busy defending shipping a piece of shit.

To sum up: if you’re in the market for a tablet, suck it up and get an iPad, a Xoom, or wait for the TouchPad - because RIM is telling you to eat a dick.

[This is also a perfect opportunity to point out that my first PlayBook take, which got more play that RIM’s official announcement, will likely prove to be fucking right.]